Friday, January 2, 2015

The Only Type of Love I Think I Know.

I've never had the type of love story I've heard about, or yet dreamt about. I've had versions that I hoped would come close, but they have ended, and almost forgotten. I haven't had models that had that "perfect" love story either, and don't quite know how real "perfect" love is. But I want to experience it.
My mediocre love stories have had some beautiful qualities, some failed feelings, and some with easier ends (that still hurt), and some with tragic ends never to be spoken about again. Maybe parts of those endings are my fault, and have helped me learn important lessons about how the world works with their inequalities and all.
I've since decided to create a company surrounded around helping others experience aspects of love story love without even realizing it. I have a giving heart in this way, but my heart longs to experience this as well. I don't even know if it's real, but I do know that movies with intense love make me ball my eyes out like a teenage girl.
I don't know what "true love" looks like, and I don't know if "true love" is an actual thing outside of Disney movies. But I want it. I want to taste it, and feel it, even for just a second so I know that it's a thing I can experience in my life. I've seen other friends experience the type of love they can rejoice in with their partner feeling the same way. It's refreshing. Perhaps this is this thing called "true love" or "perfect" even if it comes with flaws - I mean what doesn't?
I know true love does exist in family, and I'm so very grateful for my family. They are the best, and I care about them immensely. They are my rock. Deep love also extends to pets who are our companions, and are they for us when we need them - instead of always being the other way around.
But no, I haven't yet gotten the pleasure to experience love story love that I think I know. I've had versions, and I truly appreciate those versions as they have shaped me into who I am today. Hopefully I can help others in this way, and feel that refreshing feeling more often.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Walking Away.

"It's so hard to do and so easy to say, but sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away." - Ben Harper

That song is generally pretty depressing to listen to, but I've realized it's so true. I can resonate with every single line in it, because it's how I feel - it fits my past relationship perfectly. A one-sided love story without trust or respect. How a person could make me feel so unimportant I do not know. How I could let a person make me feel so unimportant so many times, I also do not know. It's mind boggling. For a girl that is a make-shit-happen, strong-willed, direct, passionate, magnetic, and deeply caring just doesn't make sense. Lets face it: "sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away and head for the door." You have to stop trying. Sometimes you have to realize that waiting is getting old, and that you're fighting for something that is never going to turn out the way you hope it would.  I tried everything I could, everything I had learned, I tried fighting the good fight to make things better, and nothing worked. I really can't change people. If I meet someone that has obvious red flags, they aren't going to change.

What did I learn from this failed relationship? People don't change. People don't want to change. They might try for you, but they are lying to themselves and lying to you. They will then resent you for it. Especially about really big issues that are deal-breakers. If the person loves doing those deal-breakers, then you have to leave. It seems like simple logic, but it really is so hard to do once you're "in it" with a partner. I eventually realized that I'd rather be single then deal with another person's BS any longer. I know I do a lot of awesome things, and I'm able to help a lot of people. That's great, but I really needed to help myself.

I'm not saying this person never helped me with anything, and that there weren't any good times. There definitely were. But the cons majorly outweighed the pros. Like I said, some of those pros were so nice though. They made it hard for me to make this final decision. I let myself be vulnerable with this person, and it didn't pan out. I considered him to be my go-to; my "best friend". However, I definitely wouldn't treat a best friend or even just a friend with that type of disrespect. But all of that is ok I guess. I just had to realize that it wasn't working anymore.

It's sad to think another person who I spent another chunk of my life with is just gone, but it is this way it is for a reason. I'm so effin' sick of wondering, so sick of feeling unimportant, so sick of being jaded and not being able to trust that someone will do the right thing and consider my feelings. He just didn't have the capacity to do so.

When I look back now, I feel relieved. It's so not worth being miserable to keep someone in your life. If it's not great, then it's not good enough.

I'm ready for a clean slate.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Doing A 180 In A Years Time.

So I hate to admit this, but I'm about to hit a rather big milestone in my years on this planet. And yes, the name of my blog will have to change to reflect the change...unless I want to lie to myself and others for the next five years. We will see. Regardless it is coming if I like it or not. I think I'm ok with it for the most part. Things aren't perfect, but sure have they changed over the course of one year. My life will be much different going into this new set of years.

Below are a couple of things that have happened over the last year:

First of all, I started a tech startup and am building out an app with a team of developers I rounded up using merely my sheer vision and passion as a cattle driver. We are a few months away from launch, and I'm busy beyond belief. But it's a really good busy, because I'm inspired by it. I'm also very challenged day in and day out with gains and losses almost weekly. It's a real test on problem solving, and my creative juices get to flow. It's my baby, and one that I'm quite intrigued to see how it grows.

Flowing into the second, I did the whole unfulfilling day job thing for a handful of years in my 20's, and realized it just wasn't for me. However, I will say I learned a lot of valuable knowledge that has helped shape my brain positively, and I'm able to drop said knowledge quite often to help others out. These skills also recently helped me land a day job at a local non-profit that helps severely disturbed kids transform. Here I get to use my Marketing skills to raise awareness. Um, awesome.

I also went back to a menial retail job for a couple of months. It was odd, but I learned that I am able to work in almost any environment to help my dreams come true. Plus it was around thrift clothes, so I couldn't of asked for a better gig with cooler people.

I started a side consulting business where I help people struggling with a major lack in style, confidence, and or motivation to try in the dating world. I've already begun helping people and it couldn't be more fun and rewarding. Why I didn't decide to do this sooner, I have no idea.

I've become totally confident when networking. This was actually a huge milestone for me, since I held myself back from all sorts of activities and events because I was too afraid to place myself in a room of people I didn't know. Upon deciding to pursue my dreams as entrepreneur I realized I couldn't be afraid anymore and just had to embrace it. I then realized I enjoy it because I meet awesome people and can hustle, strategize, connect, and build in my local community.

I quit drinking. This one was rather difficult to do initially, and now I don't even miss it. It's a part of my life that just doesn't exist anymore, and I couldn't be more relieved. Drinking just caused me to have all sorts of bodily reactions I didn't like, and attracted me to toxic people. I still like to go out and be social, but I don't need the social lube to do it.

I cut a whole bunch of foods out of my diet including gluten products and chicken. A few of the foods I've tried again after not eating for a year, and I feel ok. Others totally gross me out, so I will steer clear. I used to be a total foodie, but now I have to pick and choose what I eat. It's kind of annoying at times, but not as hard as it seems. I also feel great!

I am now single. This was not a change I thought would happen this year, but it did. There comes a time when you realize you have to do what is right for you, so that you (and any potential partner) can truly value your importance on this planet. It's been a positive decision because I've also come to realize I just need to "do me" for awhile - which feels really good.

I see these all as being positive changes, for the most part - breaking up has been a bit rough, because I still need time to reflect and process the situation. But moving into my next chapter, I can say I've done a bunch of cool stuff in the last year especially to help shape my new milestone positively. How rad is that? Just a visionary diva making shit happen, what can I say?

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Sitting Shiva: My Version.

This year has been a multitude of endings and beginnings. Relatively speaking they have all seemed pretty challenging, even the beginnings. However, all this seems trivial in comparison to the news of my dear grandma passing this morning. I did somewhat see it coming being that I was with her the week leading up to the news, and her mind was in a great deal of pain and uncomfortableness, although her body was strong. Just like her, a trooper. Besides this past week though, I didn't see it coming. I at least conveniently denied it would happen. Even in the past few days, I half expected I would see her at our yearly Thanksgiving reunion. Just like when Grandpa passed and wasn't at our Thanksgivings anymore, it was a great loss. Grandparents are extremely important. If they are the good kind, they are there to love and support you. I'm happy I had that with all four of my grandparents, even though they are all gone now. I know they loved me, and that counts for a lot.

My grandma Temme was a strong women who was very talented. She was an actress and was in countless plays in her lifetime, as well as a tv movie. She was the beauty queen of her college, and taught me the ways of dress up and makeup application at a young age. She clearly loved theater, and made a point to introduce me to Broadway musicals on the New York stage. She also introduced me to my first opera. She would have the family act out various scenes at our yearly holiday celebrations. Some are hard to recall now, but "Hats" is hard to forget. She used to sing us songs that will forever be ingrained in my brain, some a little weirder than others like, "with her head tucked". My dad performed this song to her in an attempt to have her remember last week in her incoherent state. I don't know if she did, but she did stare at him as to say that he was the one who had lost his mind. I'm sure seeing her that way could have that type of effect on a son. 

My grandma was one of the people I've consistently seen almost every single year since birth, at least that's how I remember it. My family also lived with her in Long Branch, NJ when I was still in diapers. I even took my first steps at her house. She has always been an important part of my life. Being that we are both strong willed women with birthdays days apart, we did butt heads on and off. But in the last 15 years I let that go and learned to accept her for who she was - an independent, brave, kind, loyal, loving, nurturing, talented, helpful, intelligent woman. 

She would have me visit her at her various homes by the water and I would lay out and sip egg white sodas. I recall each of her homes having the same smell, which was a mixture of something comforting and delicious food. She always made a point to rave about me to every single person that came our way. She was so proud of me and proud to have me in her life as her first granddaughter. Even though I was a rebellious drama queen in my younger years, I was secretly very proud of her too. She was a grandma-fashionista. Every time I saw her, she made a point to wear interesting jewelry, beautiful woven shawls, and have her hair and nails done. I loved her sense of style and looked up at her in this way as well. She also had Toms shoes before they were cool - such a trendsetter. Even during my last visit, her hair was freshly cut in a cute style and her nails were painted red. A ring adorned her finger and a fashionable neck piece lay on her chest connecting her to her hearing aids. She was a diva right up until the end.

One of my most meaningful memories is of our trip to Israel when I was 15. It was an experience I'll never forget. She made a point to help me connect with my Jewish roots, and I appreciated that greatly. My grandpa (her ex-husband) happened to pass away while I was there with her in Jerusalem, which was quite symbolic. 

She also greatly admired my Dad of course being that he is a classic "momma's boy". But even though, she would make sure to ask about my Mom every time I saw her. She made a point to show me that she still cared about her even though they parted ways many years back. She also gave really good advice. She would have the perfect piece of wisdom to share about the boys in my life, work, school, and family. She was a very intelligent woman and was always up on the news. She was politically driven and could compete in heated debates. 

She was a super Jewish New Jersey bargain shopping Yiddish speaking grandma. She made the best pot roast in the world, and let me eat sugary cereals that my Dad would cringe at the site of. She was the type of grandma that would ask me repeatedly if I was full and if she could get me anything else to eat. She lived to serve those closest to her. Whether it be through food, gifts and/or chotchkies from all of the countries she traveled too, or her offer to help in any way she could in each in every conversation she had with me. Each time I saw her, a big smile would spread across her face and I could instantly see how happy she was to see me. Each phone conversation I had with her made me feel loved, especially in the more recent years. She is the one person that I can honestly say was always happy to hear from me. I'm sure my parents are too, but I could ALWAYS tell with my grandma. I honestly don't know if I will ever have another person like that in my life. I will greatly miss our calls, knowing I could pick up the phone and at least hear the joy in her voice to hear from me, or hearing from her and the joy in her voice to place that call, as well as my joy in receiving it from her. All of our phone conversations would end with "I love you Meeses to Pieces." In the more recent years when she started to become forgetful, she would tell me this over and over and over, but I found it to be sweet. I don't know if it was our special thing, but it felt like it. I will admit that during my trip last week when I heard she was saying it to everyone else I felt a bit jealous.  

 I will always remember my grandma. She was a force to be reckoned with. There will never be another person in my life that was quite like her. I deeply cherish my memories of her, and I'm so very grateful I was able to be with her and say a version of goodbye while she was barely stable during her last few days. Even though I wasn't with her physically when she passed, I hope some part of her knew I was there the week leading up to it. I know she registered it for at least a min, and held my hand on my last day. That is important to remember. I will admit I did feel angry last week watching her go through so much pain and having her not really know who I was. I was mad that that type of reality can be someone's end. But that anger quickly turned to tears the days following. I am also realizing she was greatly suffering and didn't want to end up that way, so I know she is moving on to a better place. 

I love you Grandma, you have and always will mean a lot to me. Rest in peace. xoxo.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Natural Deodorant Makes Me Smell.

I've always used regular store bought deodorant that smelled pretty. I mean I'm a girl and a girlier variety at that. I can't have smelly pits that wreak. I can't be embarrassed to lift my arms. I just can't. Plus I'm a hugger, and this really doesn't fly in the hug world. But is it worth risking breast cancer for pits that smell like roses? I'm getting to the age where I think not. Actually it kind of freaks me out applying antiperspirant, as it should. I've always heard Toms doesn't do anything and that there is really no reason to even apply it at all. Then there is that whole dirty hippie smell which also correlates to Toms deodorant not doing shit. I've also went to local drug stores and grocery stores to seek out non antiperspirants, aka just plain old deodorants. I found no success, and realized they were all antiperspirants. Well WTF? So breast cancer is on the rise, yet all they sell are toxic deodorants than can lead to a higher risk? Sometimes I really wonder about this world. Sometimes, meaning every single day....but this could lead to a whole other rant.

I went on the search for awesome natural deodorant, and found what I thought was some great stuff at Whole Foods. It is called: Natural For Her Blossom. The packaging looked modern and pretty, and I liked the smell. It was only about $6, which seemed like a decent deal for something that could reduce my risk of you know what.
Well the first week I absolutely loved it. In fact I raved about it to my cousin and friends who were starting to get on the natural deodorant craze for the same reasons as I.

After that week I started to realize I could smell myself, and it didn't smell good. It was quite bizarre because I never thought of myself as a smelly person. But this stench was starting to get gross. If I applied more I could cover it up briefly, but it wasn't permanent. Maybe this stuff could do wonders for gals that don't do much except sit in an office. But my life is all over the place, and apparently my body sweats sometimes, and that sweat smells like girl BO. And even though girl BO isn't as deadly as guy BO it's still not cool. My friend who is also on the natural deodorant bandwagon brought up a good point: since our bodies haven't sweat in years with antiperspirants, we forgot they even could. Our bodies are probably so thankful they are getting the chance to sweat they are going on overdrive. Well that's cool and all, but now I smell in the hopes to go natural. Sometimes I sneak the antiperspirant if I'm going to a networking event where I'm going to have to shake hands with tons of people in a night. But that Jewish guilt I have creeps up, because is it worth the risk?

One of my girl friends suggested using essential oils straight on the pits and it works like a charm. My other friend has another deodorant that has actually worked but might be a bit pricier. I guess I will now need to try several different options and see which works the best!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Blogging Is Like Yoga.

I don't know if everyone has this same problem, but there are a few things in life that I love doing but when I stop it's so hard to get back into the groove. A couple examples are below:

1. Yoga
2. Meditating
4. Getting through my to-do lists

Of course there are more, but these one the main ones I find I have an actual issue with and have the best pay off. They are all a bit tedious, but when I do them successfully I feel like a rockstar.

When I blog, I can feel my creative juices flowing and this great feeling of being able to let go just enough through fingers to keyboard. Of course I can't write everything because of the whole you-don't-know-who-is-reading-your-blog-thing-and-will-they-judge-me? But for the most part it's awesome. I also feel accomplished just busting out blogs and happy that I can find the time.
Yoga feels amazing. My whole body feels rejuvenated, and my mind is happier. So why don't I do it more? One of the main reasons is $. If I had more of it, I could join a handy yoga studio with much more class option availability that would fit in my schedule. But I could make the extra effort now to fit it in right?
Meditation is one of the most wonderful things in the world, because the payoff is incredibly helpful. I do get myself to go more often, as in at least 1x/week. Which is not very often. But even that little window of "not thinking" makes all the difference. I'm sure I could actually focus on busting out all of my to-do lists if I meditated more often...
And then lastly, to-do lists. The constant stream of stuff to do when you're an entrepreneur. Most days I can sit and bust through them, but on days like today it's challenging. I start to write out everything I need to do, realize it's way too effin much, and then decide to blog instead about how i'm not fulfilling my to-do list. Wow. Spesh.

Now do all of these things have a natural correlation? Yes. If I did more yoga, I would probably have more energy (outside of the gym which is a natural habit thank god), if I meditated more I could get through more of my to-do lists and feel less stressed. If I get through the to-do lists I could blog more. Perhaps this is the solution to procrastination for me? I see a personal experiment coming into play...

Thursday, May 29, 2014

What Happiness Means To Me.

Happiness means making stuff happen that is bigger than myself. Happiness means making an impact. Happiness means that I can work with non-profits and help them raise awareness and make a difference. Happiness means having a good idea and doing everything I can to implement it. Happiness means making meaningful connections. Happiness means volunteering. Happiness means making new friendships with people who motivate me to be better. Happiness means waking up each day with a sense of purpose. Happiness means smiling each time I see my dog's face. Happiness means gaining mental clarity and not thinking once in a while. Happiness means sticking to my guns, and not letting people take advantage of me. Happiness means being in shape and feeling strong. Happiness means beautiful beats flowing through my ears. Happiness means helping others reach their full potential. Happiness means smiling at a stranger. Happiness means realizing that life can get me down, but that only means I have to work harder. Happiness means open doors when you least expect it. Happiness means having hutzpah. Happiness means embracing weirdness. Happiness means listening to your intuition. Happiness means doing your part. Happiness means being a reliable source for others. Happiness means cuddles, and feeling safe. Happiness means writing and expressing thoughts on paper or virtual paper. Happiness means love. Happiness means understanding that life sucks sometimes. Happiness is non-judgement. Happiness is helping a stranger. Happiness means conquering fears. Happiness means good conversation. Happiness means standing up for what I believe in at any cost. Happiness means family. Happiness means traveling to places unknown. Happiness means animals. Happiness means being thankful. Happiness means learning how to feel inner peace.

I hear a lot of people saying they just want to be happy. But that word is hard to define. I recently realized that happiness just means realizing that there is more to life and making an effort to give back. People often say that they ultimately want money or fame or love or power or family or friends or style, but what does that all equate to? Happiness as the root. It is the ultimate nectar. But in order to get it we need to work at it and do our part to give back. It's a direct correlation, scientifically proven, and obvious when you start moving in this direction. I'm happy my eyes are opening up to this. Now to help others realize the same thing.